Sprites From The Abyss: a wall of frustrations

One continuous stream of frustrations, with dates posted above new additions.

It is important to note that some content/trigger warnings do apply here. They will be listed where applicable.

I, midday, 4/15/2024

CW: suicide, transphobia, self harm

  It's fucking evil how trans people are mistreated and just left in the dust so often. It's REALLY not that hard to just give some respect and learn some new concepts but so much of the world is bent on two, unchanging genders and it's like ????? the fuck? Sure, SEX is biological, but come ON gender really is just a concept and it should NOT be so emphasized in our world.

  People wonder why trans people kill themselves so often and it's because the world makes that seem like a better option than clawing our way through the nightmare it's set up for us!!! Brief look at the stats give a pretty overwhelmingly awful picture when it comes to transgender self harm and suicide rates. I mean, hell, even █████████████ has cut ███ arms recently because ███ feels it's the only way ███ can cope with how difficult it is to live in ███ situation (which is FAR from the worst it can get).

  It hurts me to watch that and it hurts me to want that, and it really would be greatly helped if people could just get over themselves and learn how to do the mind-numbingly easy task of respecting someone's name and pronouns!! Even that's not enough, really. You can call someone the right thing and still refuse to help them or give them basic respect. ███████████████ parents respect ███ name and pronouns, but do next to NOTHING to actually help ███ get the shit ███ needs to feel okay. I helped ███ get HRT, and I'm currently helping ███ get therapy and guess what??? IT'S NOT EVEN THAT HARDDDDD good god. You'd think people who raise a child and say they care would act like it.

  I know, I know. I don't have kids, and I never will (barring adoption). But still, it's only a little bit more effort to reach out and set these things up, and it is so SO worth it for your child's mental health. So in any case a parent with a transgender child (or hell, ANY child) reads this, please just at the very least ask WITH INTENT TO HELP if they want therapy services or HRT. It goes a HUGE way to help someone get through each day and feel okay in this miserable world, and it's most definitely worth the effort.

  To give my own helping hand, I'm probably gonna make a place on my website with a bunch of guides on how to do basic mental health and adult shit that might be scary for some people, with an emphasis on transgender individuals. I've already helped a few friends get help like that, and the more I can do, the better.

Whatever. I know this is the first thing on this page, and it's pretty rough, but that's kinda what this is gonna be. Maybe I'll take the time to code in a table of contents that can seek to certain days, but I really can't be bothered right now. Also, this page is probably gonna stay hidden in the code of the main page, as due to the nature of its content, I don't really want just anyone seeing it. I'm keeping personal info of anyone I talk about hidden, and the things I talk about relatively impersonal, but I can't say someone who knows me won't be able to figure some things out, and I want it to only be people who really want to know knowing what's going on in the less pleasant parts of my head.

II, afternoon, 4/16/2024

CW: transphobia, sex/kinks, dysphoria/dysmorphia

  Maybe the reason trans people are into some weird shit is because they're all a little fucked by the world??? I know a lot of people online who enjoy being treated like a dog or pet in a sexual nature, and yeah, it's silly and fun and all, but a lot of the time that comes from a desire to escape the horrors of the world because it's so damn miserable to think all the time and maybe getting on all fours and barking is the best way they've found to relieve stress.

  Obviously, I'm not saying it's a bad thing. As long as nobody is getting hurt without their consent, I think it's fine. Really don't feel like getting into all that though because that's a lot more personal and I don't realllyyy wanna talk in depth about my sex life. If I know you and regularly talk about stuff like that, then sure you can ask away (mood permitting).

  I've found myself wearing masks to campus the last few days. I hate going out when I don't want to, but it's not like I really have a choice. Already pretty sure I'm failing at least one of my classes, so I can't particularly afford to lose any more. But yeah going out and being percieved sucks. It's unavoidable when it comes to going out, so I'd always MUCH rather be percieved closer to how I want to be than what I would be if I didn't try. So I try.

  I try by getting up early and taking a shower, doing my hair, doing my makeup, and throwing together some random outfit. They're always way over the top and stand out a lot, but that's what I like. Red, grey, and black argyle tights. Black with red accent short pleated skirt. Corset that I'm borrowing from a friend. Compression shirt under a maroon sweater, both tucked into the skirt in order to give a more shaped look. A white fingerless glove on my right hand in case I happen to see my girlfriend, as she has the black one and will sometimes wear it on her right hand. Cracked black nail polish that I need to redo but can't because we have no nail polish remover so one of these days I'll have to scrape it off. Hair that I hardly style. Hell, I've been growing it out for 5 years and the most I've done to it is last night I cut off a bit with a kitchen knife. Not even enough for me to find where I cut it from.

  Fucking hate obsessing over my body. When it looks nice oh it really does, but it's just a miserable existence being so scared about what it's going to look like the way I'm going. I wish I could just carve myself open and let myself out of this. At least that would look pretty.

III, afternoon, 4/21/2024

CW: ---

  Not sure why I feel so weird. Went to the glass beach concert last thursday and it was so so so good. Yet. Here I am, caught in some weird slump and I just feel awful. Don't want to die but oh I would not complain if I were to go certain ways. It's also way to fucking hot out and it sucks. Hate it here. Can't wait to move out (hahahahahahaha)

  Forgot I don't really wanna put too much personal stuff on here. If I did, I'd have a lot more to put for this entry. Unfortunately.

  On a different note, I haven't been able to bring myself to listen to much glass beach. Just don't want it. Well, kinda, since I'm currently and have been listening to a playlist with a bunch of more obscure glass beach and classic J songs. Current tracklist is ghosts, lostfutures, stationary, sure, whatever, woods, yanqui uxo, h5, planetarium fuckery 14, and texas song 06. Pretty good lineup for developing the site to at least.

  Yeah that's all for now I guess. I'll be around I suppose. Not like I've got any way to not be.

IV, late night, 5/17/2024

CW: mention of suicide

  Drowning myself in this hot shower.

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